Gnat Stokes and the Foggy Bottom Swamp Queen
by Sally Keehn

Readers' Theater
Adapted by Josh Berk

Narrator 1: It's been seven years since Zelda, dark queen of them Foggy Bottom Swampers, stole away peaceful-natured Goodlow Pryce right out of Mary's Cove.

Narrator 2: Goodlow's sweetheart, Penelope Drinkwater, has been sighing after him all these seven years.

Narrator 3: So when Gnat Stokes and her friends - Wanda, Jib, and Baby Earl Darnell - came across a mysterious message written in beans, they knew just what it meant.

Narrator 4: It said, "Penelope. You are my true love. Save me from Zelda. Meet me here tonight. Midnight."

Narrator 1: Gnat pocketed the beans. She had the notion that she should be the one to save Goodlow, not Penelope. But she didn't say nothing about that. She turned to the Darnells and said --

Gnat: Don't you tell Penelope about this message nor anyone else at Mary's Cove neither, or else I won't let you spend the night with me ever again nor read to you from Ten Nights in a Bar-Room and I Was There!

Narrator 2: Them Darnells love to be read to.

Narrator 3: So they don't say nothing to nobody. Nope. Not for the entire day and into the night.

Narrator 4: Later that very same night, Gnat and the Darnells were at Grandpa's house to get their reading to.

Narrator 1: Them Darnells love to be read to.

Narrator 2: But just as soon as Gnat started reading from the last part of the first chapter of Ten Nights in a Bar-Room and I Was There, Wanda cleared her throat and she said,

Wanda: Gnat? Who's saving Goodlow Pryce tonight?

Narrator 3: Gnat must have been feeling honest, because she blurted out the truth.

Gnat: I am.

Wanda: Then me, Jib, and Baby Earl are coming along with you as bodyguards.

Gnat: I don't need no bodyguards.

Wanda: Yes, you do.

Jib: If you don't take us with you, we'll wake up your grandpa and tell him what you're up to. He'll tan your hide good! You know you ain't supposed to be out gallivanting after dark! Not after what you done a week ago last Tuesday.

Narrator 4: Gnat knew she couldn't have no one waking up her grandpa. So she went out to save Goodlow with her three bodyguards, even though she already had surefire protection from Zelda in her apron pocket - two iron nails wrought together to form a cross and, just in case that don't work, a pint of Grandpa's moonshine whiskey to throw in Zelda's eyes and melt them.

Narrator 1: They went out into the night. A three-quarter moon shined, making shadows out of everything, including Grandpa's cow Ida Blue. Her bell rang forlornly through the cool night air.

Narrator 2: Fallen leaves crackled underfoot and there was just enough wind to make you shiver as it slipped through the trees. It sounded like it was saying:

Everyone: Beware, Beware.

Wanda: Gnat, I'm scairt.

Jib: When Zelda finds out what we're up to, she'll eat out our eyeballs.

Wanda: Yup, and she'll tear apart our innards same way she did Uncle Hershorn's cow.

Jib: Then she'll set her Boogety Bear upon us. He'll gnaw the meat off all our bones - clavicles and all.

Narrator 2: Only Baby Earl said nothing because even though he's three, he don't ever talk.

Narrator 1: Gnat stopped at Granpa's bean shed, and turned to the three Darnells.

Gnat: I didn't ask you to come with me. Just go on back to the cabin, climb up to the loft and wait for me there.

Wanda: But you're our best friend.

Jib: Friends stick together.

Narrator 3: Baby Earl didn't say nothing, but he took Gnat's hand and looked up at her so sweet, it near broke her heart.

Gnat: All right, then. Come on and go with me. But no more talk about being scairt.

Narrator 4: They stacked their hands, one on top of the other.

Gnat, Jib, and Wanda: One potato, two potato, three potato, four.

Narrator 1: Then the four friends headed bravely out through the eerie moonlight toward Tucker Creek.

Narrator 2: Soon, Gnat Stokes will save Goodlow Pryce from the wicked Zelda.

Gnat: Soon, I'll be a hero.

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